Red

Silent tears overflow
Across my cheeks and onto my breast
The breast that fed my child and once comforted my husband.

Life changes and bodies react
What once was, is no longer real
Real is awkwardness and puberty-like confusion

How can we be so committed to wholeness
Yet eager to release certain parts
Parts of safety, warmth, creation and root

In my redness I'm supposed to see light.
Release my perception of entireity and embrace my journey
Embrace my very creation and celebrate the spirit I am.

Today I faced a reality of my body. I have a prolapsed uterus and may and very likely will face having a hysterectomy. Why? So that I can live a fulfilling sexual life? My husband doesn't give a shit about my body. I don't think it makes me any less of a woman. But I'm thinking having a hysterectomy does for some reason. The other component to this is incontinence that I have lived with since a teenager and frankly has just been part of my life. Not real serious but something I adjust certain things for.

My home life is falling apart, my "home" in my body is falling apart and I just hurt.

First Thought

Today is my 34th birthday and the 1st birthday of this blog. It's my gift to me.

This year is different. I actively and consciously decided to start the year off right. Even last night I showered and and redressed my bed for a clean slate. I gave thanks as I drifted off to sleep and I woke with coffee made especially for me by my 5 year old son. He was so proud (and so was I) that he did as he said the night before.

My sisters had a wonderful sleep over party for me and two other sisters celebrated in November. It was wonderful to hang out, drink wine and break bread with women I admire and respect. Oh yes, and a few tears were shed too thanks to a chick flick I love.

Upon checking email and answering telephone calls, I come to accept and be grateful once again all of the friendship and support I have around me. A call from my brother along with singing voices of his family, made me smile and feel remembered. My dear friend Barbara and her husband came and made cappucino (brought their own machine and everything!). They brought banana loaf and treats for the kids. Good thing they called on their way here since they would have experienced more of my birthday suit than maybe necessary! I am indeed very blessed for that surprise too.

I see my birthday as my own personal new year's. And really, why wouldn't it be? Just like your wedding anniversary is better than Valentine's day so too is the individual celebration of the day you were born. Our life starts on the day we were born, not whatever it took to get to January 1st.

Happy Birthday to me...I'm glad I was born too!