We'll see how this looks in the morning....just a few wine soaked thoughts

I think I can now empathize with what being alone means. Alone and out of reach is different than plain old, no one nearby. It’s different when you are left alone by choice. It’s difficult to know there are people not very far away who choose not to be with you anymore.

It stings. It’s hurtful.

Energy sucking it is to keep moving forward; keep choosing to put one foot in front of the other. I miss my kids that is certain. I know they are safe and having fun and will undoubtedly run into my open arms with gusto like a plate of their favourite meal. I know them and know they will return like the proverbial bird once set free.

Just as there is an opening in my heart for someone who is my match, there is a void that could only provide the space for the companion. I guess the choice here is focus on the potential not the gap.

My children sustain me, give my days structure and love and responsibility. Something that may be lacking for others if only in an excuse to do/or not to do something. They both provide parameters for my choices; ensure that I give thought to most of my action; conscious of the consequences not only for me but reverberation to them. I choose love not fear; patience not guilt; laughter not regret. I am nothing if I cannot present choice and unwavering confidence in the ability of my children. Only that can I model and offer as my humility.

The Backyard

Ah, the feel of soil on my hands
The dirt so moist and happy as planned
Worms squiggle and I stir the earth
Uncovered, slimming and widening its' girth.

The sun, the breeze, so light it seems
Trim out the old make room for new dreams
Little saplings, clipped dead branches, new shoots
Hellos from neighbours all day what a hoot!

Giving a new place your special stamp
Takes thought and enthusiasm to re-vamp
All the while you consider what you'll think
As time goes by and kids have grown in a blink

Inner glee at neighbourhood children
Running and tagging and kicking
Time to go home, clean up, call it a day
For another like this we pray!

Ugly with a Full Nappy

I'm so angry and that makes me ugly
Why do I react this way; not even smugly
Can't determine which tipped the scale
And which emotion is the biggest whale.

Reacting to appease is probably the pattern
Getting real not easy for all concerned
So much thinking to change and be clear
To bring those I love and keep them near

It just makes sick to see how he's coping
Empty cartons, time to think I'm hoping
A hurt bird trying to find his way
Only not quite sure which way to sway

Parents wanting to help and contribute
Doubts on how to act and substitute
I just want my kids to be open & happy
And not have to deal with what's left in the nappy.

Healing Tokens

The shudder alerted me
To something no one could see
A release I hadn't expected
Goodbye to fears protected.

To mother earth I now go
And bring her objects to show
How much I desire her guidance
Through this change of existence.

Three feathers I found for me
For my kids two pine cones theyd' be
Some Cedar for my mom and pop
Corn cob for the others a prop

A chunk of wood for the last
All within the circle I craft
Tokens of my inner world I know
A new life from which will grow.

Release the fears and restrictions
Adios all the hold-backs and addictions
A new journey for us awaits
All leading to heaven's gates.

So no tears, aggression or represssion
Only open arms and love of progression
For us all to have direct connection
To our best lives we've been given direction.

First Thought

Today is my 34th birthday and the 1st birthday of this blog. It's my gift to me.

This year is different. I actively and consciously decided to start the year off right. Even last night I showered and and redressed my bed for a clean slate. I gave thanks as I drifted off to sleep and I woke with coffee made especially for me by my 5 year old son. He was so proud (and so was I) that he did as he said the night before.

My sisters had a wonderful sleep over party for me and two other sisters celebrated in November. It was wonderful to hang out, drink wine and break bread with women I admire and respect. Oh yes, and a few tears were shed too thanks to a chick flick I love.

Upon checking email and answering telephone calls, I come to accept and be grateful once again all of the friendship and support I have around me. A call from my brother along with singing voices of his family, made me smile and feel remembered. My dear friend Barbara and her husband came and made cappucino (brought their own machine and everything!). They brought banana loaf and treats for the kids. Good thing they called on their way here since they would have experienced more of my birthday suit than maybe necessary! I am indeed very blessed for that surprise too.

I see my birthday as my own personal new year's. And really, why wouldn't it be? Just like your wedding anniversary is better than Valentine's day so too is the individual celebration of the day you were born. Our life starts on the day we were born, not whatever it took to get to January 1st.

Happy Birthday to me...I'm glad I was born too!